Sunday, November 07, 2010

Don't Mess With Grammy!!!

It was BAD!!  I really tried to play this down ( I tried NOT to tell anyone!!) but, here it is......

I packed Grandma away with the Halloween decorations the other day. Honest mistake. You know how it goes; you get a little rhythm going and pretty soon you're just throwing everything in the box, boom-boom-boom. Fortunately, my wife heard Grandma yelling from the box in the basement later in the day. Seriously, she couldn't have been down there more than a few hours.

"What's that?" Becky asked.

"Just my stomach," I said

So, we unpacked the old heirloom and plopped her on a stool near the kitchen TV. Nobody was really to blame, of course, yet Becky seemed a little frosted over the whole episode. I explained to her that there was no real danger, for Grandma's perfume would've eventually set off the carbon monoxide alarms near the furnace.

And Grandma could not have been more understanding. She said it was a little uncomfortable in the box, but still better than going through LAX. To reward her for her patience, I made her one of those giant vodka tonics she slurps up like tap water. In a few minutes, she was hydrated and everything was right with the world.

That's right, Grandma is visiting, always a joyous occasion. Estimates on her departure range from a few weeks to never ever.

I can't get a straight answer out of Becky. She always gets a little sassy when her mother is around. "What are you two doing today?" I'll ask, or, "Could you please keep down the cackling?" and she'll just stick out her tongue or some other major extremity in a gesture of disrespect.

Honestly, if Becky keeps up this attitude, I'm returning the Louis Vuitton baseball glove I ordered her for Christmas.

I don't know what it is about visiting grandmas. They add another level of tension to an already-tense relationship. Plus, Grandma's blow-dryer is loud as a leaf blower and twice as powerful. Once took all the wallpaper off the bathroom wall.

This current visit got off to a bad start when I grabbed a fistful of Grandma's meds off the kitchen counter, mistaking them for candy corn and almonds.

"Good trail mix," I noted while choking down 50 pills.

Suffice to say that, after pounding down Grandma's meds, my cholesterol has never been better and I've had no pain in my joints for almost three days. Thank you, Medicare. Thank you, Pfizer.

"Hope you never leave, Grandma," I say.

"How about another vodka, Sport?" she says.

On Monday, I discovered I was supposed to entertain her while Becky went off to work. There I was, spooning in bed with our 300-pound terrier, cupping one of her breasts, when Becky knocked on my skull in an effort to gain my attention.

"Time to get up, buttercup," she said.

See? Sassy.

Becky told me that she would be gone several hours (actually, seven) and that I was to take Grandma out somewhere to show her the town, such that it is — full of movie stars and mansions, none of them really worth seeing.

"Maybe you can introduce her to that Rex Harrison," Becky suggested.

"He's dead," I told her.

"Don't start with the excuses," she said.

Grandma's visit comes on the heels of the Cub Scout Halloween party we hosted, an elegant affair, plastic pumpkins everywhere. I set up a small but effective haunted house in the storage area where I usually keep the grill. The main feature was the Aquarium of Death, filled with red Jell-O and gelatin body parts. Scouts are into dismemberment — it should almost be a badge.

"Boys, there is an aura in there that even I cannot explain," I warn the scouts before letting them enter the haunted house. "The spirits are very restless tonight."

Their Cub Scout eyes got really big — you know, the way Gary Coleman's used to when he got really mad at Conrad Bain — and a couple of the scouts vomited a little. Then we all marched into the haunted house, brave as we could be under the circumstances.

I am proud to report there were no casualties. They spun around in the fake spider web and nearly choked to death on their own laughter. Just the usual.

In the end, the boys seemed sort of underwhelmed, because there was no actual dismemberment taking place and the spider presence was a little subdued. Little boys like spiders because there is no stigma attached when they brutally massacre them.

I made some notes. Next year, I plan to add a few more attractions to the haunted house, including real zombies. From what I've read, zombies are much more effective than ghosts, or even poltergeists.

I'll put up signs well in advance. "Wanted: Zombies. No experience necessary. Must work well with grandmas and scouts."

I'm totally exhausted !  Thanks Gramma...We love you!!  I just hope you never read this!!!!  And if you do.. Wasn't that trip to the nuclear waste dump exciting??  My idea!!!

Life!!  Ain't it Great???? 

Bless you Grammy!!  Just Kidding with you!!


Beth said...

LOL!! Good one!

GreatGranny said...

Another good one, Bob.

Kathryn Magendie said...

OMG - this is halarious! -- and I actually did the real "laugh out loud" on the spooning the terrier part -HAW!

I loved it - thank you for the laugh -sitting here grinnin' my fool pea-head off!

I've hit the jackpot on blogs on my blog walk this morning - I've laughed, teared up, gone HOOOYAYYY... and this made me GUFFAW - yup GUFFAW!

Haphazardkat said...

HAHAHAHAHA!! omg--I have laughter tears!!!

Ramblingon said...

This could have been an article in a humor magazine it's that good.

MissBeth said...

Oh that was great, wish i had gotten here earlier today that would have just made me laugh all day...That was great!

Catherine West said...

That's hilarious! Hope she doesn't stay for Christmas. Heaven knows where she might end up!!

Rocket Man said...

I see. I hope you don't mind a little advice. It would probably be a good idea not to go to sleep until Grandma leaves town. Take it from me; them old bats bring the payback in dump trucks! Just in case you don't take my advice, can I have the baseball glove when you're gone?

Sherry said...

This was a fun and funny read Bob, thanks for putting a smile on my face :)_