Sunday, December 12, 2010

Jolly-Holly Letter

I'm back from my vacation in Mexico and I plan on posting a few blogs about my travels and stay this coming week (still editing photos), but in the meantime, here is a funny article written by you-know-who..... My favorite columnist from the L.A.Times.  It's a good one!

Chris Erskine
Los Angeles Times

In my quest to be the funniest dad of all time — which is saying something, because I know several other dads who are complete cut-ups — I strive to be funny AND thought-provoking. Imagine if Lenny Bruce and Yogi Bear had children together, that would be me: furry, furious and prone to long periods of slumber. Really, it's too bad they can't clone me.

"Dad, you're the funniest dad ever," my 7-year-old is always telling me.

"Here, take this," I say, handing him a small gratuity.

Like a lot of dads, I believe in the power of tipping. Some of the old-school fathers believe that gratuities shouldn't be necessary, but I find that you get better service — and more grateful kids — if you slip them a fiver now and then.

"That is excellent parenting," you're probably saying to yourself right now, and to that I'd respond, "No, it's just survival." For parenting and survival are sort of intertwined. You can't have one without the other. Like baseball and sunshine. Like almonds and wine.

But sometimes, even funny dads need to be completely serious. The other day, I helped the little guy pen a letter to Santa, the only deity he writes to on a weekly basis. As a father, I find that a letter to Santa is an excellent opportunity to reinforce some core values: the joy of giving, the importance of gratitude, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ...

After a few minutes of careful thought, here's what the 7-year-old came up with, totally on his own. I cannot tell you how proud this makes me feel. The magic of the holidays is evident in his every word:

Dear Santa dude,

I've been trying to call since Tuesday. Pick up, will you?

Look, I'm a single, unemployed 7-year-old with big dreams for Dec. 25. My dad insists that you're an industrialist robber baron, no better than Vanderbilt or Gates, but I think you're misunderstood and profoundly generous. Please don't prove me wrong.

So, I'd like to make a special plea this holiday season: peace on Earth and lots of consumer electronics. As you'll recall, we don't even have a Playstation 3. So bring it on, big guy!

Bring on the Kindles and the laptops and the 3-D games. Dazzle me with vibrant plasma screens, Blu-ray home theaters and iPads, iPods, iPhones and iCarly.

When in doubt, go for the fastest processor speeds and maximum connectivity. I prefer touchscreens to keypads and Macs to PCs. I'm especially interested in anything that might be invented in the next two weeks.

Listen, I know you're busy. I saw you at the mall the other day. Your body language spoke volumes. Do you struggle with depression? It's a tough life for you seasonal workers. That's why I'm being extra reasonable this year.

How's your cholesterol, by the way? At your age (timeless) you need to keep an eye on that. I think I can get you a deal on some bootleg Canadian Lipitor. Remember, stress is the No. 1 killer of men over 500 years of age.

My dad is timeless too. How old is he exactly? No one knows. But he took Marie Antoinette to her high school prom. My mom, she has pictures.

While I have your full attention, how do you really feel about regifting? Never? Sometimes? Always?

What about shoplifting? Dad says this may be the first Christmas where we might have to actually steal the tree. What he'd do, he says, is dress us all in fir-colored camouflage, spray us with air freshener and send us under the Home Depot tree tent at 3 in the morning.

"Make your mother proud," he'd say as he slowed the car and we jumped out.

So, yeah, we could use a little extra help this Christmas. My dad worries that the holiday hooch is already half gone. Mom says when his scotch runs out, she's outta here. Dad says, "Be sure to take the dog," which he claims reeks of stale popcorn even when he's just been bathed. My sister says it may be his diet, since our beagle eats from the trash.

"Just like Dickens," my big sister explains.

Speaking of sisters, maybe you could bring them a gift too. Something in a nice designer sedative?

And my big brother, he needs a front axle for his Altima. You deliver front axles with that hybrid sleigh of yours? Are there weight restrictions? And no, that's not a comment on your girth.

Anyway, thanks in advance for all you'll do for us. Have a rockin' good flight. And remember: Never turn your back on Blitzen.

Love always, the little guy (Los Angeles, California).


Joe said...

Welcome home Bobber...pick up any new Speedos while you were away? Great to have you back and I'll sure be looking forward to your pictures! I got a kick out of the Jolly Holly letter!

GreatGranny said...

Good as always, the 7 yr. old was funny too. Glad y'all are back, looking forward to the photos.

Toodie said...

Hope you had a great vacation. Maybe I should write Santa, heh.
Hugs to you and yours Bob.

Beth said...

Glad you are back Bob! LOL on the column.

maillady said...

You're vacationing in Mexico when you live in California!?! Thats like me (in Minnesota) going to Canada! Great post! Glad your back and I'm looking foward to the pictures. Especially since we just got a fresh new 10 inches of snow!Take care!LOL

Terry's Tete-a-tete said...

Wipping the tears from my eyes as I'm laughing trying to read this. It's just awesome.

Ramblingon said...


The Gaelic Wife said...

Can't wait to see the pictures!!! Love the letter.

Archie ~Grumps~ said...

That’s some handy little wish list this seven year old has. I spect ole Santa would be more inclined ta drop off a big ole slab ‘a humble pie to this peculiar kid.
Good stuff Bob. I’m specially curious of this designer sedative. *grins … *
Take good care, and enjoy the season Bob.
Ciao Fer Now …

MissBeth said...

Once again, this guy cracks me up...I bet you cant wait to see what he writes next everytime you read his column.
Looking forward to your pics of the vacation.

Sue Lehman said...

HA! You're really back! Love the letter to Santa and all it implies. So, what are YOU asking Santa for this year? Now be honest. Or if you can't be honest, be funny! Enjoy the holidays and big kisses to Becky and the dogs.

Promotional Pens said...

The Santa letter is so cute and funny!

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