As some of you know, I gave my wife the gift of Italy this year. A round trip ticket (what was I thinking? round trip?), and Italian language CDs so she won't sound like I did in Mexico! However, I got to thinking, which always gets me into trouble, and decided that since she travels so much I would also give her the perfect airport gift... a TSA Pat-Down! Now, I learned that there are three types available. The 'Normal' pat down which is not all that exciting, the 'Geting-To-Know-You-Better' pat down, which I assume includes dinner and a nice glass of Chardonnay, and the one that I always get... the 'Cell Block D' pat down. I'm still deciding.
The nice part is, the TSA actually works on an out-call basis now. All major credit cards accepted. And for a small additional fee they will misplace your luggage! I think she'll love it!! I can hear her pals now telling her, "Your husband is so thoughtful". And she will sneer, "Yeah, he's a saint'! The District Attorney is currently investigating this new out-call service, but I'm hoping the Grand Jury indictments don't come down until after the holidays. Then I'm good! And she is always effective on the witness stand. Listen, find me a woman who couldn't use a thorough pat-down right about now!
Oh look! TSA's Little Helpers!!
Meanwhile, the Christmas card is in its final editing stages. The executive editor of our card, Becky, went round and round with the guys at the card shop. She asked them to change the light source in the family photo "to something more celestial, like that dude Da Vinci used."
I don't remember Da Vinci ever working on our Christmas cards, but I'm not ruling it out. Might've been a few years ago.
When I pointed out that it looked as though our two male dogs were actually holding down their little sister so she couldn't bolt — gripping her with four paws as if in a prison movie — my wife became fixated on that instead. Last I heard, she was having our dogs' arms Photoshopped out. Now they will have angel wings, Pixar hair and dimples.
Just between us, there's a week till Christmas and I am one chocolate strawberry away from complete organ failure. I am one drink away from a month at the Charlie Sheen Institute.
Gotta go! I hear a UPS truck coming. It's about a mile away still, but if I put my ear to the ground....!